As a person who is forced to interact socially with others, I spend a lot of time trying to make myself sound like a more successful adult/human being/dieter. This is accomplished mostly through artful omissions of truth. Some examples are listed below:
- What I said I did last night: I saw Drew and Nick Lachey at a distance during happy hour
What I actually did last night: I watched “The Lachey’s: Raising the Bar” on television from the comfort of my couch, while drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade
- What I said I’m going to do: Going to Nville for New Year’s Eve.
What you think I’m doing: Going to Nashville…
What I’m actually doing: Going to Newtonsville
- What I said: I had a bite of a cookie.
What actually happened: I ate four cookies when no one was looking.
- What I say: Oh, I don’t have any makeup on, I woke up like this
What actually happened: I spent ten-fifteen minutes, using something that could probably kill the dinosaurs, concealing my real face
- What I wish I was: A Target person
What I really am: A Wal-Mart person
- What my license says I weigh: 115lbs
What I actually weigh: No one will ever know
- What I said: I’m low on gas.
What I mean: I’ve been driving around on E for a day and a half because it was too cold to get out of my car and pump gas, but now I’m forced to stop whether it’s down pouring or not.
- What I said: I don’t know what happened.
What I mean: I know what happened, but I’m never telling you what happened.
- What I said: I did well today; I had a salad for lunch.
What really happened: I had a salad for lunch because I had a package of chocolate mini donuts for breakfast.
- What I said I did this weekend: Raged
What I actually did: Ate a lean cuisine while watching a marathon of Murder She Wrote on Netflix